Forever Interconnected

I'm sad to say that this past weekend, my family and I were reminded of how fragile life really is.  I received word that my sister had unexpectedly passed away after putting my son to bed for the night this past Friday, January 3rd.  My Dad called and asked if I was sitting down saying that Jenny was "no longer with us."  I was shocked, stunned, numbed by this news.  She and I considered each other full siblings though we were technically "half-siblings."  We have been distanced from one another on and off throughout the years for several reasons.  One of which being geographic location.  She lived in Georgia and I live in Ohio.  Also, she was 15 years my senior.

Jenny had a magnetic, fragile, kind personality and she fought for most of her life to find a place in this world.  I always looked up to her in childhood for being such a beautiful "cool" sister and remember bringing pictures of her and I to school with me to show off what a gorgeous, fashionable older sister I had.  Sadly, others would also see her physical beauty first and assume that she had to be incredibly confident and self-assured and neglected to see her for the sensitive, self-conscious, lost soul I believe she was.  She struggled with many demons throughout her life and I feel that these caught up with her in the end.

As I alluded to earlier, we didn't always have a close relationship and the times we were close were sporadic at best.  However, she made a huge impact on my life and her struggles and victories are the most integral factors playing a part in why I chose to become a mental health and chemical dependency counselor.  No matter how many times I told her how much she impacted my life, I don't believe she ever truly understood, heard or felt the truth in that statement. When Jenny was doing well in her life, the world looked sweeter to all of us who knew her.  My Dad was calmer, happier and more well-rested when Jenny was doing well and so this rubbed off on me.  I told her time and time again how important she was to my Dad, her mother, her children, myself and everyone else who loved her but I think it was hard for her to believe just how many lives she affected with her choices; for better or worse.

In the past few months, we had begun talking more regularly again and in one of our more recent conversations, she said "I want to be just like you when I grow up."  There was no hint of jest or sarcasm in that comment and it struck me at the time, just how serious she was.  I had been telling her about what Zac and I were working toward with planning to build our Earthship home and she told me how proud she was of us and how much she looked up to me.

The thoughts I've been left with since I heard of her passing can be summed up by the word interconnectedness.  While it doesn't come naturally to me to believe in god or a higher power in a traditional sense, I do believe that every human affects every other with his or her actions and that we are all connected to one another.  It isn't always obvious to us how we affect others in our day-to-day life, but it is certainly palpable if we take the time to reflect upon how those around us have shaped who we are.

As is described in Newton's third law of motion, every action has an equal and opposite reaction.  Every choice we make, both good and bad, sweet and sour, affects and impacts every other human in some way.  In this way, my sister's life worked to shape mine; despite the fact that our relationship has been touch and go throughout the years.  Because of the tortured, gorgeous person she was, I am who I am in part and this affects and changes every fiber of my being; affects every cell in my body.

I believe that we all influence one another in this manner.  It is easier to make the connection in regards to how my sister's life has affected mine in a more direct way, but I believe this notion can be carried out infinitely.  We all impact one another with the choices we make in life and I wish she could have known and felt how integral her life was to so many and how all of her choices have had an equal and opposite reaction in the lives of those she touched, and in those she didn't... because we all make up the human experience and we all touch one another with the lives we lead.

I don't know that anything or anyone could have said anything that would have changed how my sister's life ended but if there was one thing I could have superimposed upon her mind, it would be that her life was valuable, she was loved for everything she was and that my life was touched by every choice she made.